god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
