Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
