I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Who died my cat blue again?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
