I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
