my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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