I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
