I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
