I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
