Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
