So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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