Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
