apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
false alarm, still single
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
