You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
