Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
