a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
