Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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