forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
