Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
