you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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