don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
