if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
