The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
