I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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