and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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