You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm passing your future prison.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
