saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
