the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
