mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
