Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
