If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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