I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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