i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We don't watch enough power rangers
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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