So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
