thus making me awesome and them whores
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
