I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
