THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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