dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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