theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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