Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
