and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
