True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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