So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Randomize
