i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
