My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
