Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
