I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
