I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Randomize
