Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
