she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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