im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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