Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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