I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just cropdusted the office
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
