Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
one might say we're banned from that church
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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